My Psychosis: There Are Many Like It, But This One Is Mine

In recognition of World Schizophrenia Awareness Day, I want to talk about schizophrenia and my unique psychosis. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (a mixture of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder) in 2017 after years of sorting through other diagnoses. Before that, I had told myself, "I might be depressed and suicidal, but at least I don't have psychosis." It's funny how when you say something like that, the, "At least I don't..." and "never" statements, how often they come true. I mean, I also wrote a rather scathing essay in high school about how high school dating is never worthwhile because people never marry their high school boyfriend or girlfriend, only to marry the guy I went to prom with senior year. God definitely has a sense of humor.

In any case, many of my acquaintances would be surprised to know of this diagnosis. They might know sometimes I struggle to answer texts, that I get tired really easily, and maybe even that I hate doing dishes with a passion (something I overexplain to everyone due to feeling ashamed), but to learn that I've been hospitalized five times, once after a suicide attempt, would give them pause. Lauren Sergeant? This Lauren Sergeant, a schizophrenic? Yes. This Lauren struggles with schizoaffective disorder. It's a daily fight, some harder than others.

I think the reason for the confusion is two-fold. First, to most people I seem pretty normal, functional, genuine, and engaged with the world as a person. Many don't understand that mixed with my enjoyment of life and love of people is an intense fear that somehow I am a black hole of mental and emotional corruption in the world. Others don't see that portion of me because I shine brilliantly most of the time. My interest in those around me and the affection I exude, which form encouragement and kindness toward those around me, seems to preclude any such anxiety. What darkness is there in a candle's unflickering flame? The second reason for the confusion surrounds the term itself. What even is schizophrenia? Because clearly this vibrant little lady they're talking to is not a psychopath with murderous intent. Most would describe the term, "schizophrenia," vaguely based on portrayals in media - it is having multiple personalities or being so paranoid the affected individual thinks everyone is an enemy he/she must attack, right?

Schizophrenia is not having multiple personalities. Let's just get that out of the way. Rather schizophrenia is having disordered thinking such that a person experiences delusions (disordered beliefs) and/or hallucinations (disordered perceptions) along with some other symptoms. In fact, the psychology community labels schizophrenia a "thought disorder," as opposed to a mood disorder like depression or bipolar disorder, an anxiety disorder like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), or a personality disorder like borderline personality disorder (BPD). Schizophrenia comes with its own complications, but traditional schizophrenia has little to do with mood (except perhaps a lack of emotion) and everything to do with how our brains are perceiving and processing the world around us.

My schizophrenic delusions surround my self-image. I see myself as darkness swallowing the light around me. I believe at times that I'm living in something like Hell on earth and that I'm dragging everyone around me into it as well. I find myself certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I could destroy the world if I wanted to with a flick of my wrist. At those times, I remain still, lying just where I am, immobilized by the terror of my power. Now I don't believe these delusionsin a traditional sense. I tell myself these things are not true, showing some part of me is still in reality. I remind myself I am but one little person who has questionable capability to defend herself in a fist fight, much less destroy anything so expansive as the world itself. And yet, terror grips me. I lie still, just in case.

Honestly, I'm as afraid of contradicting the delusion as I am of it being real. What if I flicked my wrist and the world didn't implode? Well then, I would have to admit I'm delusional, that true psychosis has taken hold of my mind and that I am not thinking clearly. I fear that. What if I lost track of reality for good? The world would be as dead to me as if it were destroyed, because I'd no longer be interacting with it. I could not bear to harm those around me, but neither could I bear being forever cut off from them by delusional psychosis. It seems a lose-lose situation, so I freeze and wait for it to go away. It always does eventually.

My schizophrenic hallucinations are kind of funny. The most prevalent one is this atrocious smell I perceive when I'm growing anxious or stressed. In fact, this smell is a convenient indicator I need to slow down and process something. I wake up from naps sometimes and before I can even gauge my mood, I smell this awful odor, and then I know - this waking session is going to be a fight. I avoid driving when I'm feeling in a more compromised state because visual hallucinations make it hard to know which speeding images in the corners of my vision are real cars.

Now mix all this delusional thinking and hallucination with depression and anxiety, with little bouts of hypomania, and you have my schizoaffective disorder. There are many who stuggle with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder (an estimated 20 million people worldwide with schizophrenia). If you know one of them, I would encourage you to ask them their stories. They're going to be different than mine. You can learn a lot about a person's underlying fears and hopes from their psychosis, if they're willing to share. It's like reading a letter they wrote to themselves. How much we would gain if we read each others' letters!

If you are struggling with psychosis, schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder, I'd encourage you ask yourself about your psychosis (if you're in a safe state for such reflection, I'd even recommend doing this with a therapist). Psychosis has a terrible poetry to it. It uses metaphors and similes to describe our hearts, fears, and motivations. Our psychoses allude to something deeper in us, something more fundamental than our terror, anger, and anxiety. Having endured the world, our minds have broken, but I want to encourage you that psychosis is not who you are. There's something more basic even than that in you - the image of God. Only He can truly restore us, as He made us. He know where every fracture lies and has a balm for every wound. Let's seek Him together.